Pool People

Recently we have taken up a new hobby. It's something we've both enjoyed individually that we have decided to make a collective habit. We started on Thursday (2nd) went again on Monday (6th) and again today (11th). It seems like a New Year's Resolution, but the truth is that the pool near to us just reopened after a few months of being closed and we're determined to make the most of it.

During our time at the pool we have already bumped into some interesting people. People watching is another hobby that we share due to Ben's psychology degree and Harriet's innate nosiness. (We tell it how it is!) We've decided to pigeon-hole and create caricatures of the pool dwellers for our own amusement and we hope it makes you smile too next time you find yourself in a huge, cold, communal bath with lots of semi-nude people you've never met before:

The "Lads" 

• Six-pack is essential (Group Membership depends on it) 
• Travel in packs 
• Brings floats and sports bottles to look like they mean business
• Actually spend most of their time talking about man crushes (we overheard an interesting chat about Hugh Jackman) meaning that they spend about 10 minutes swimming each hour. 
• When they are swimming they cause tidal waves so people end up bobbing on their pool-wide wake. The splashier the more manly. 

Lane Hogger 

• Joins a fast lane and insists on swimming much slower than everyone else in the lane. 
• Like a freight train - slow, cannot change track, occasional burst of speed when you dare try to overtake. 
• Karate Kicks people who follow them too closely. 
• Feels entitled to swim in that lane at whatever speed they so choose and would like a protective zorb ball around them to maintain their personal space. 

Coach Dad 

• Ex-member of The "Lads" but now has a mini-van, numerous sprogs and the duty of taking said sprogs swimming on a Saturday while his wife is taking a well-deserved break (or standing close by) 
• Can usually be found in the deep end dunking one of his kids under the water shouting "KICK YOUR LEGS" interspersed with "BREATHE" 
• Casts longing glances towards the fast lane, nostalgically yearning for all that has been. 
• Accepts nothing but 100% commitment to being the best from his two year old (arm-bands are for wimps)

The Pacemakers

• Totals about ten minutes in the pool 
• Spends whole time grumbling about their recent doctors' appointment in which they were told (shock, horror!) that their ten minutes of exercise a week probably isn't going to do much about their girth 
• Usually accompanied by a long-suffering younger relative
• Easily confused with a whale - they are oblivious to the cries of "Thar she blows!" from the children in the shallow end who move rapidly out of the way as they resurface. 
• Pacemakers should always be encouraged to stay out of lanes. Otherwise you get an Extreme Lane Hogger. 

Mermaids

• Bikini-clad women aged 16 - 30 years; hair and make-up are always perfect
• Characteristic walk from the changing room to the shallow end - they look like they are practicing to be on the catwalk. 
• Frequent the pool more often if there is a semi-attractive lifeguard
• Swims close to, but far enough away from, any "Lads" that are around so it looks like a coincidence. 
• Travel in pairs. 

Search and Rescue

(Or, as Ben calls it, "Helicopter Mum")

• Found mostly in the shallow end frantically searching for bubbles that may help them locate their children after a temporary lapse in concentration. 
• Spends most of their time chasing various inflatables around the pool and apologising to swimmers who are impacted by said objects. 
• No time to swim. Lives to save. 
• Eyes firmly fixed on child. (who can't go under anyway due to the inflatable ring, arm bands, full body suit and zorb ball). 
• Often pulling hair out in frustration if accompanied by Coach Dad. 

Olympians

• Identifiable by their speedos, swimming hat with local place name on it and goggles which they snap onto their head before swan-diving into the pool 
• Push it on every lap. Constantly looking at the clock. If it doesn't meet Olympic standards it's a disappointment. 
• Are sad that the pool is only 25 metres long. How are they supposed to train in these circumstances? 
• Limited interaction with anyone who is at the pool to swim for leisure.
• Has a shelf at home full of local swimming trophies 
• Uses all the FINA swimming techniques - two-handed touches on breast stroke, the correct number of strokes under the water when pushing off, tumble-turns and back-stroke starts. 

Dearies with a Do

• Usually these gentle and kind women are found in a lane so they can avoid the splashes from enthusiastic children
• Gives the appearance of a poodle gracefully gliding on the surface of the water
• Swims half-lengths and then turns around... doesn't appear to realise that this is the same as swimming an entire length
• Likely homicide risk if hair gets wet 
• A much more pleasant version of the Lane Hogger. Accepts their lack-of-speed with good grace and lets faster swimmers pass. 

Spatially Unaware

• In their own head they are swimming in a straight line. In real life they are making wide raking zig-zags across the pool with little regard for anyone else. (Using the theory of relativity they are actually swimming in a straight line - everyone else is zig-zagging)
• Often heard apologising to other swimmers, children and inanimate objects as they crash their way across the pool, though sometimes they just don't notice the chaos they are creating. 
• Warning. Do not mix with an Olympian. These two types have an incredibly volatile reaction. The S.U. generally loses and ends up with missing limbs as the result of particularly ferocious karate-chop-like backstroke from the Olympian. 

The Hundred Year Old Man Who Climbed Into The Water And Disappeared
(cultural reference: see this book)

• Grey haired and lumbering. You stifle laughter as he hobbles to the pool side and is aided down the steps. 
• Once in the pool a transformation occurs. He becomes the Olympian. Breaks all world records. Makes you feel foolish. Total Trojan. 

Please feel free to add your own in the comments box below!