Money is the Root of All Evil

There are a lot of people who find the discussion of money a bit of a vulgar subject. If you’re someone who finds it uncomfortable to read about money and finances relating to yourself and those around you then stop reading because that is the subject of this post.

Recently I read an article online written last year which discussed the link between financial arguments early on in marriage and couples eventually deciding to separate. It didn’t surprise me to learn that money is one of the most contentious and divisive factors in relationships where people are trying to make life together work. This is a common thing, as I see it. How many times have you argued with your partner about how your finances should be managed? I imagine, if you’re honest, you will have had at least one conversation where you disagreed on the priorities for your money. It’s clear to me that such disputations over money can disrupt our “happily ever after”, but with that in mind then, is it really true that “Money doesn’t buy happiness”?

I imagine there are others out there like myself (maybe you) who feels anything but happy when you have the misfortune to see a bank statement with any of the following features:

-£X

It’s the antithesis of all things warm, good and lovely.

Fortunately, I don’t see the big red letters or the negative symbol too often (phew!); however, it’s a common state of affairs to see a long, long list of outgoings and a very succinct, one-off batch of incoming(s).

I guess that's ok. We have lots of people to pay because we're paying for things we need and enjoy. We pay for TV, phones, cars, food, the internet, our flat. The fact that we can pay for those things makes us better off than a lot of people. Being able to cover those necessary elements is definitely a relief rather than a relationship stressor.

I'm careful with money, though I am not a great saver. I see some luxuries as being essential. Things like fun leisure activities and eating food we like. 

At the end of last month I got home from work bored but determined to change my feelings of stir-craziness. I'd arranged with my best friend to stay with her overnight, bought tickets to see Matilda and Ben and I were on a train to London within just less than two hours. 

We saw the show - it was fantastic. We spent time with friends, which was brilliant. It was exciting and fun to be able to go and be spontaneous and make a memory together. Our choice of activity was extravagant, for sure. It wasn't our usual milkshake or episode of West Wing. In some ways it was a bit of a wasteful enterprise – we have a lot of things we can’t afford that we would like to right now. Maybe we should have saved the money to do some of those things, however I’m glad we see the benefit of sometimes doing something which is short-sighted in terms of our finances but places emphasis on our relationship right now.

I’m sure our future life when we’ve saved for the things we need will be great, but I want to make sure we have fun along the way so that we still want to be together when it gets a bit easier.

Life right now isn’t half bad, but we don’t have everything we would want. We rent the two bedroom flat we live in and we have a car (though Ben can’t drive anyway at the moment due to his seizure back in May), which is an 11 year old, green fiat punto with half a back windscreen wiper missing and a ludicrously disproportionate alarm. My major concern if someone tried to steal her (she’s called Ariel) is that the alarm actually WOULD go off and we’d be able to stop the thief from taking her. That would be a real tragedy.

We’d like to buy a house of our own. We’d like to have a super-practical, cheap-to-insure, reliable car so we could get to all of the places we want to go. At the moment those things look like they’re a bit of a way off which is frustrating sometimes when you see some friends with houses, cars and babies. But let’s steer rapidly away from the subject of babies! That’s quite a different conversation!

I guess the sad thing about money is that it isn't like having tokens in a fun fair where the only purpose of it is to gain access to wonderful and exciting things. Money is actually pretty mundane when useful. Never, before I was married, did I think that the things I’d want most in life would be to have a kitchen with gas hobs that is big enough for a stand mixer. Oh how my dreams have changed!

But, to me, money is a symbol of security. 

I admit that I love to shop and spend. But I only enjoy that when I know I have savings for a rainy day. Recently, life has been a bit more tough and my rainy day funds have been all but wiped out. It's been difficult to let go of that safety net. I've struggled and cried over it. I've worried about all the things that could go wrong over the next little while: I'm a self-confessed catastrophiser. I've pictured my car blowing up and me not being able to fix it so I can't get to work and I lose my job and medical school was all for absolutely nothing and I end up cleaning toilets with a toothbrush for money and living in the city dump. (I said I was a catastrophiser-ok??!)

It's probable that I'd be catastrophising about something or other no matter my situation. Money wouldn't buy me happiness but it would certainly increase my security. And security and stability are really the things we gain and benefit from in our family life. We can trust our loved ones to always be there and we give them the same. It keeps us safe, feeling loved and happy. Home should be a safe place free from worries and cares. So I understand why people who are stressed, pushed and pulled financially would feel like their home life, family life and even marriage were being compromised by a disruption in security. Life is smoother if you have a way of dealing with crises that come; when rain comes you're less likely to come out like a drowned rat if you have an umbrella. Money is a great safety net – it can get a car back on the road, fill empty bellies and contribute toward the building of great memories.

Money isn’t everything and it’s sad that it can cause so much contention when really it can be utilised in ways that benefit such a wide number of people. I imagine most people who argue about money argue because the priorities they have for it differ. We all have different life priorities and it’s easy to make judgements about other people without really understanding where they’re coming from.

I’ve seen lots of friends on facebook recently buying houses. The green-eyed monster of jealousy came out as I considered how they’d got together enough money to do that. I reasoned that they’d probably had help from family, or that they’d been married for a lot longer than we have, or that they’ve been earning more and for longer. Ben helped me put things in perspective when he pointed out to me that it really isn’t everyone. A lot more people are probably in the same position as us: making ends meet, coming across bumps along the way, taking time to try and create some security for their lives; but also making sure they have some fun.

During our marriage things have been unstable at times when it comes to money. The provision of that money has been unbalanced, too. When we got married Ben was the sole provider and I was a medical student. Now, the scales have tipped the other way and I’m trying to do as well as he did in that first couple of years in providing the things we need. I’m happy that one of us has always had a job that pays enough to meet our outgoings. We haven’t saved (yet) but we’ve stayed out of debt.

Most of all, I feel like we prioritise together. We both think it’s important to recognise family birthdays with a gift; we both love to travel; and having shared interests and ideals makes it easier not to get frustrated where money is concerned. In the way that we use our money (budgeting and prioritising together), it certainly does ‘buy’ us happiness. Maybe I’m wrong, and couples who are happy together and look after each other have a head-start when it comes to avoiding contention over money. Either way, life is good and happiness is here to stay regardless of our assets.