I've been trying to find time to write a bit more about being a doctor. Because, as I mentioned before, I have lots of reasons not to.
There are moments of brilliance and moments of utter self-doubt and frustration. Sometimes I don't know that I'm in the right career. I wonder this mostly when I'm working 12.5hrs three days in a row; or when I still have seven hundred jobs to do and my shift is almost over; or when my stomach turns at something I see or smell (a rare occurrence now - I can cope with most things).
I'm learning a lot about medicine. But I think I'm learning more about myself.
That's one of the wonders of working with people. Our relationships and interactions add something to us. Maybe, more accurately, our responses and reactions to the things we experience concerning other people develop our character. I've seen this already in small ways.
It's about the way you feel when you express sympathy and spend five extra minutes listening to someone who has emotional pain because of a physical problem. That's one of the reasons I've become so interested in palliative care. Despite the fact that it seems like you can't really do any good - you're not going to cure someone who is dying of a terminal illness - you can have a huge impact in that experience for the patient and family.
It's about negotiating with colleagues and prioritising the things that matter. Sometimes it's about lending a hand; other times it's about sticking to your guns and explaining why something needs to be done that way.
It's about gaining knowledge and answers and being able to share that wisdom with others. For example, today I found out that not only do we need to prescribe insulin on paper, but also on our computer system - that way it flags the need for administration up to the nurses and they are prompted to remember. I told nurses, doctors - I would have told anyone who was listening! Sometimes it's sharing knowledge with colleagues; at other times it's sharing information with patients and relatives. It's vital to communicate.
There's so much to this job. In some ways it's very logical, methodical and practical. It takes a very scientifically sharp mind to know processes and interpret results and be able to diagnose people. But that's only half the battle. Human beings are so complex!
I'm glad I have a job that uses my whole brain and extends much further than the knowledge I have now. I have so much to learn but that's kind of exciting. And it's great to be able to track the progress you have made; whether by reflecting on a conversation with relatives, realising you've just put a cannula in that you previously would have found seriously difficult, or occasionally even getting praise for your work by senior colleagues who have so much more experience.
I'm grateful for this time in my life. I'm not a career-woman. I want to have children (while I'm still young!). Work adds a significant amount of stress to my life and takes up energy I would rather give to my family. However, it adds stability to our lives that I work and can help pay bills and hopefully give us a foundation from which to continue the rest of our lives comfortably. While I'm doing it, I may as well enjoy it and learn from it and become better because of it. There may well come a day where the need for me to work diminishes and I have the option of being at home more. I'm setting the ground work so that when fewer hours are possible, I can take that choice and still support Ben in providing for our family.
Right now, being a doctor is interesting and illuminating and I anticipate gaining a lot from my decision to follow this path in my work. It's giving me fascinating experiences and insight.
I wish I could write more about the patients that I learn from and because of - but obviously I can't tell stories about people that might allow them to be identified or might be taken as breaking any kind of confidentiality. Even that is something I love - I enjoy having a code of conduct that directs my professional life. It happens in many other professions but I love the way it applies to medicine particularly.
A few weeks ago Ben and I were able to get away to Cornwall for a week, anyway, so I'll leave you with pictures of that!
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