Job and all the jobs

This blog could easily be called "What to do when you can't get it right" because that's honestly how I'm feeling right now.

I'm in a moment of self-reflection that's actually making me feel like I don't want to share so many of my thoughts. However, I'm inspired to keep typing this week by a friend who I was speaking to on Sunday who said she reads my blog.

Thanks for those of you who read - I hope you feel like you're not alone in some of the craziness in your life when you read some of the musings I share. I always love to talk to women with whom I have shared experiences. I guess this week speaking to that friend I got a reminder that I'm not alone. It meant a lot!

We all really need each other.

{Job 1: Family member}

Sometimes we're so deep in our own trials that we don't realise we share so many things in common with the people around us.

This year has been a particularly difficult one for me & mine so far. Trouble has come from all angles: relationships, sickness, finances. I feel a real kinship with Job - despite the fact that none of my trials are as big as his. The challenge has been that they just keep coming.

I'm not going to lie - I've been angry. I've been upset. I've felt hurt and abandoned at times. For me, it's been challenging to see those around me being hurt. I personally haven't been unwell or had hardship placed on me but when those I love face trials it's still incredibly personal and just as much of a test of my faith. It almost feels more difficult because you have to stand back and trust that things will be ok without being able to influence that course sometimes. And as a control-freak, that's hard.

Mostly, I want to hide in a big hole and come out when things are better. I'm a wimp when it comes to weathering the storm!

Conversely, I've seen a lot of love. Particularly as our family has rallied together. It takes away some of the temptation to assign blame to God or other people when I know my family are being so supported.

I'm trying to get it right but sometimes I feel like I'm so inadequate. I have this awkward teenager inside me who tries to hide behind what I'm striving to be; often not succeeding.

{Job 2: My Job!}

One of the easiest places to hide is at work. There, I'm a doctor and I generally know what I'm doing. I know how to succeed and I can easily make people happier as I get on with what I'm supposed to do. It's prescribed, it's people-oriented and there's a definite right-and-wrong.

I didn't know how I would feel about working. As a woman in the church (and a woman who personally does want a family when the time is right) I wondered if this doctoring business was really a good thing for me. Now I'm here and I'm doing it and work is such a blessing in my life. I'm doing this for me - for my personal growth - and I'm benefitting from it. I love my associations with colleagues and patients - I love being productive and useful - I love earning money for my family.

{Job 3: Wife}

Family is vital. Sometimes it's the biggest challenge of all - to give your best to the people you're around 24/7. It is easy to be your 'best self' at work and get lazy at home. That's sometimes something I can feel myself slipping into.

There's nothing as satisfying in the world as being happy at home. At home, you're unmasked. Unmakeupped! My mother-in-law describes the stage before you really know someone as the "too-damn-polite" stage. The defences come down when you really know someone well and you lose a certain amount of that etiquette. But it's important that we try not to be coarse at home. We need to put effort in to maintaining some of that politeness with everyone, everywhere. Our character when we're comfortable shouldn't be slobby!

It's interesting to look over these three 'jobs' and my 'Job'-like struggles in each of them (some more than others) and evaluate how I'm doing. The answer is that I'm not a brilliant juggler. But I do love all of these aspects and I want to improve in all of these areas. So, if all I can do is hang on in there right now then that's what I'll do.

There's a painting by James C. Christensen that sums up some of how I feel (only I feel like I'm dropping most of these items - I might be a little self-critical!):

All my love to all the other jugglers (however successful!!!).

xxx