One of the huge perks that comes from my work as a doctor is the number of people I get to meet and communicate with on a daily basis. During my initial conversation with patients, I get to be a little nosy with some of the questions I ask - mostly because the answers could be relevant to their potential diagnosis and partly because we want to know how a condition is likely to affect the activities the individual is used to doing, so we can hopefully ensure they are able to do these tasks again when they get home.
"What is your occupation?" is a question that usually has an interesting answer. I've met television producers, Olympic team managers, Engineers responsible for the development of huge hospitals - to name just a few. Depending on the person, even the question itself is interesting and I phrase it differently. In an 80 year old woman, for example, I usually ask if they worked outside of the home and, if they did, what they did. I was recently surprised when a lady over 80 years old told me she still works 4 hours a day - it reminded me that I should not make assumptions!
When a person tells me that they are "a house-wife" I'm always fascinated to hear how this information is delivered. It's sometimes stated as matter-of-fact but often follows a word such as "only" or "just". Maybe because I'm clearly a woman working in a full-time job, whoever gives the answer feels the need to justify the position of a woman who doesn't work outside the home. Far from feeling superior to women who spend their lives serving their families and communities in this way, it seems wonderful to me that people have been able to have that privilege and responsibility. What makes me sad is hearing the words "only a house-wife".
For some, the idea of being a wife and mother full-time is archaic. What I feel should be made archaic is the need to defend a lifestyle in which the family, the central pillar of the community, in placed in a position of high importance. I don't advocate the idea of using being a mother as a way of making money from the government, but I can't help but feeling that society would be a whole lot better if there were more mothers who saw the education of their children as their top priority. I don't mean purely academic education but the exposure of their children to the world around them to ensure they have opinions, options and opportunities.
I work hard. I work on average 48 hours a week, 50% of the time working unsociable hours. This week I'm on a 16:00 - 00:00 shift pattern which means I briefly say hello to Ben in the morning before he leaves for work; and climb into bed when he's already asleep. Despite the fact that I work either 8 or 12 hours a day as a doctor, that's not my most demanding or full-time role.
Being a wife is 24 hours a day, seven days a week. And I'm not even a mother yet!
Sometimes after giving 8 hours to work outside of the home it can be difficult to remember that the real commitment is inside the home. Surely you should want to impress your spouse as much as you want to impress your boss, both with your character and with the things you achieve throughout your day?
I chose to have both a full-time job and a family.
I chose to have a full-time job that would challenge me and fulfill my need for mental stimulation, and would provide financial security for my family. I'm feminist enough to believe that I should be willing and capable to my maximum level and gain skills that would make me competitive in the workplace. That doesn't mean that I feel every woman should do paid work outside the home - it's just my own way of personally progressing myself. There are a huge variety of ways to achieve that progression and I have picked one.
I also chose to make marriage a priority because it's through marriage that I think I'll achieve the best moments and experiences of my life. I'm also feminist enough to embrace gender roles in association to a relationship. I like being a wife. I like Ben's role as a husband.
The main message of this blog is simply this:
While this applies to choosing who to marry and deciding to commit to them, it also applies to the way you choose to live your life and spend your time. Never ever ever be one of those people who prefaces the thing you have decided to spend your energy and life on with the word "only".
Personally, I'm going to commit to stop thinking of myself as "only" a Foundation Year One Doctor; "only" a wife but not yet a mother; and "only" a tenant.
I hope you have no "only"s in your life - but if you do, get rid of them today! Love the choices you've made that brought you to the roles you identify yourself by at the moment. Enjoy this time in your life to the full and then move onwards and upwards to be better today than you were yesterday and better tomorrow than you were today.
Most of all, remember that no one else thinks of you as being "only" what you are. I'll leave you with a quote from President Uchtdorf that sums it all up perfectly:
"...we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does.
Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.
It’s wonderful that you have strengths.
And it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses.
God wants to help us to eventually turn all of our weaknesses into strengths, but He knows that this is a long-term goal. He wants us to become perfect, and if we stay on the path of discipleship, one day we will. It’s OK that you’re not quite there yet. Keep working on it, but stop punishing yourself.
Dear sisters, many of you are endlessly compassionate and patient with the weaknesses of others. Please remember also to be compassionate and patient with yourself.
In the meantime, be thankful for all the small successes in your home, your family relationships, your education and livelihood, your Church participation and personal improvement. Like the forget-me-nots, these successes may seem tiny to you and they may go unnoticed by others, but God notices them and they are not small to Him."
